My Parents Secret

 


My Parents Secret

 

I always thought of my parents is honest open to telling me everything they felt and knew.   It came such a shock when I found out they never told me I was adopted.   Why?   It is the question I have been pondering for the last three years.   Why would the most important thing in my life be kept from me? Why would I not get to know my biological mother and father?  Did my parents even know who they were?  If they keep in contact with them?   Why wouldn't I get to know my siblings?  Did they know I even had siblings?  They must have been told of my older sister if not my much older brother.   Why?  Why?   Why? 

I was told by an older cousin that the family was held to a bond of secrecy.  Did all my cousins know?  Or did only some know?  My Aunt Hallie had me help her do genealogical research when I was a teen.   I visited the graves of ancestors in Arkansas.  I had book on all the different roots of the family that my Aunt Hallie had written.  Was she trying to help me discover the secret? 

After my mom died, my dad remarried.  At that time, he was already 70.  Did he tell my stepmom?  He must have.  Did she tell her two daughters?  I do not know.  I do know that I pretty much lost contact with her, and her family after my dad died.  That was probably more my fault than anyone but was there some disinterest on their part knowing I was not my dad’s son.  I will never know. 

Some of my cousins stayed in touch with each other much more than I.  Again, was it knowing I was the adopted child?  Or was it just me not reaching out to them?  Uncles and Aunts died along the way.  I found out late or second-hand and never went to a funeral.  Was my adoption one of the reasons?  Or was it just my own disinterest in keeping contacts going, and if so, why so?

And on my mom’s side of the family, as small as it was?  Did my aunt and uncle know?  How about my cousin who Susan and I took care of in his final years of life?  He never said a word if he did. 

It comes to me that my mom and dad did it out of love.   My adoption occurred in the early 1950s when adoption was looked down upon.  perhaps they thought it might affect me in my relationship with friends?   Perhaps they thought it might affect me in school?   Susan and I now are guessing that one of the reasons my parents move so very often when I was a young child was because somebody might have guessed or known about my adoption.   I went to a different school for kindergarten for first grade, and for second grade: a total of four grammar schools thru 6th grade.   I now think that they were running from the discovery.

And my Bar Mitzvah in a Conservative, almost Orthodox congregation.  Did the Rabbi know?  How many of the family and friends knew?  Did they all know of my Amish and Southern Baptist roots?  Probably not as Rabbi Twersky probably would not have officiated. 

I think quite frankly that I'm better off with who I was raised by then who I would have been raised by.   The relationships of my siblings seem dysfunctional.   Two have not even reached out or even bothered to meet me but they do not talk or see each other.   The closest to me would have been my half-sister, also given up for adoption.  Did my mom and dad know of her and her adopted parents?  They lived close enough.  It almost seems they would have run into each other.  How about my recently deceased significantly older brother.  Did they know of him?   

I still ponder the whys and guess I always will. 

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